NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After President Trump mistakenly referred to tech boss Tim Cook as Tim Apple, he holds a highlevel trade meeting with Jimmy Pepsi, Gary Google and Mr Bun The Baker.

Unusual, suspicious devices found at various ScotRail stations are found, after close examination, to be trains.

TUESDAY

After the Queen becomes the first Monarch on Instagram, Prince Andrew becomes the first Royal on Tinder.

WEDNESDAY

As commentators ask what sort of gullible, free-spending idiot would blow £15 on a cup of coffee, Chris Grayling emerges from the cafe with a trayful.

Further claims of racism rock Newcastle United Football Club after it’s revealed that, for decades, black and white have been kept entirely separate on its strip.

THURSDAY

After an Islamic State figure is identified as another member of the death squad known as The Beatles, 573 other terrorists claim they were the real Fifth Beatle.

FRIDAY

Following her comments about police budget cuts and increased violent crime, Theresa May insists there’s no link between lack of money and poverty, an absence of rain and drought, and a lack of support from her MPs and the fact she’ll be gone by Easter.

SATURDAY

After Ministers offend the Irish, blacks and Muslims in one day, the entire Cabinet is booked as Roy Chubby Brown’s support act.