GERRARD MUST BEWARE WHEN ENTERING THE THE LION’S DEN
THE results are much the same as they were under Pedro Caixinha and Mark Warburton. It’s when the words start sounding vaguely similar, though, that you feel you may be in danger of crossing the Rubicon. Only, you’re not going to be crossing the Rubicon, are you? The
actual Rubicon. That’s when you’re marching in the 13th Legion behind Caesar all the way from Gaul, declaring war on the Roman Senate and paving the way, consciously or unconsciously, for the rise of imperialism.
You’re not going to be doing all that, are you? ARE YOU?
That’s the trouble with idioms, you see. They just get you into bother. Like when you’re asking the Rangers manager at a press conference whether going to Celtic Park is like entering the lion’s den.
Steven Gerrard’s response — ‘What do you mean by lion’s den? A lion’s den is if you jump over a cage and you’ve got four lions chasing you and you’re fearing for your life’ — was only ever going to bring the inevitable Alan Partridge comparisons and much chortling on social media.
For some of us, it also brought back memories of a ludicrous afternoon at Lennoxtown as Tony Mowbray’s reign at Celtic was unravelling.
Mowbray, consumed by paranoia to the extent he was playing the theme tune of Sportscene backwards in the search for hidden (undoubtedly anti-Celtic) messages, had dodged a press call ahead of a cup game at Morton and served up his assistant Mark Venus.
‘Do you see the game as a potential banana skin?’ asked a reporter by way of a warm-up.
‘Well, I don’t know what a banana skin is,’ snapped Venus. ‘It’s something that’s left after you’ve had a banana, isn’t it?’
It went downhill from there. He didn’t know what a ‘can’t-lose’ game was. Didn’t know much about much, really.
Asked how Stephen McManus fitted into the grand plan amid transfer activity surrounding centre-backs, Venus replied: ‘I don’t know what a grand plan is. Grand means big and… y’know.’
Whatever the confusion on other matters, everyone in the room knew precisely what Venus was by the end of play.
It was difficult not to imagine him skipping upstairs to the manager’s office, to find Mowbray
in the tinfoil hat and smothering himself in blueberry juice, bellowing: ‘I showed ’em, boss. Wait til you see the papers tomorrow. I showed ’em.’
Yes, Mark. You showed us, all right. Showed us you should never have been allowed through the door.
If pushed, you can draw some weak comparisons between Celtic then and Rangers now. Mowbray and his players felt referees were against them.
They also disliked the statistical truth that the much-maligned John Barnes had racked up more points by that stage of the season.
However, Gerrard remains unlikely to suffer a 4-0 skelping at St Mirren and finish up, as Mowbray did after his final game, talking about ‘positive reasons for a negative result’.
The former Liverpool captain has, in general, been honest, unflinching, and cognisant of the fact no trophies means no job.
Rather than a return to Caixinha’s ravings on elephants, dogs and caravans, his lion’s den remarks can be excused as a questionable attempt at humour.
Yet, some of the other things he said on Friday were concerning. You know, the stuff about keyboard warriors posting things on forums, how the 10-point gap between the Old Firm covers up the fact the clubs are closer than 12 months ago and why those who really ‘know football’ can see the progress made at Ibrox.
It was just a wee bit too Warburton for comfort. All that was missing was him stating that the sides would be much, much closer still if Celtic had lost another four games and Rangers had won just one more.
Remember that pearler? Whenever anyone reflects fondly on the one-time city trader’s spell at Rangers, just Google it. February 3, 2017, was the date.
Having a team that plays like Warburton’s — dominating games and failing to win — is bad enough. You can’t start thinking like him too.
Mind you, alarm bells do clang whenever any manager starts discussing how ‘football people’ see the things you’ll never see.
‘Football people’, after all, have been queuing up all this week to tell you that Alex McLeish is still the man to lead Scotland to Euro 2020.
Unfortunately for the likes of Gerrard, ‘football people’ don’t do the hiring and firing at clubs. People like Dave King, who sometimes gives the impression he wouldn’t know a square ball from a square sausage, do.
And statistics, laid down beside the balance sheet, tend to hold water with them.
Gerrard has won four games out of 17 against the sides that formed the top four of the Premiership last term. His Premiership record is comparable with that of Caixinha and Warburton, both long gone by this point.
At almost exactly the same stage of last term, with caretaker Graeme Murty trying to keep the shipwreck afloat, Rangers went into a derby at Ibrox six points behind, having played a game more.
Had Alfredo Morelos scored at 2-2 when clean through, they would have cut that to three. Had Morelos scored from a yard out instead of hitting the post late on, they would still have been chasing the title.
This is not to say the Rangers of 12 months ago were stronger. Later hosings at the hands of Celtic showed they weren’t.
But defeat at Parkhead today will leave Gerrard’s version 13 points behind and facing up to a run of post-split fixtures against teams they don’t beat.
Gerrard inherited a mess and should get another season at least, but statistics like these will catch up with him eventually.
When you’re running this kind of wage bill and your record against Aberdeen, Hibs and Kilmarnock is three wins out of 15, it won’t take long until your jacket’s on a shoogly peg.
No need to panic, by the way, Steven, and start phoning out for a joiner. Keep your win percentage the way it is and, soon enough, you’ll discover that particularly Scottish turn of phrase has its own figurative quality too.
Indeed, when your jacket’s on a shoogly peg at the Old Firm, you might say entering the lion’s den is a walk in the park.