NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

MONDAY

Extinction Rebellion activists again glue themselves to Jeremy Corbyn’s fence – leaving him nothing to sit on when taking a position on anti-Semitism.

And the protesters reject criticism that their action achieves nothing, claiming they are actually highlighting a new, environmentally responsible form of transport – being carried from A to B by four police officers.

TUESDAY

The controversial eBay listing of a baby T-rex skeleton is taken down after website chiefs declare that it is a prohibited item. After all, the rules on what can and cannot be traded clearly state: ‘No small arms.’

Meanwhile a Twitter spokesman responds to research that found that social media has left us all with short attention spans. He says: ‘We take these findings very ser... oh look, a butterfly.’

WEDNESDAY

After rail chiefs said that widespread and expensive chaos across the network was caused by careless idiots with balloons, they reveal they only really had one idiot with a balloon in mind: Richard Branson.

THURSDAY

The new gallery named after Sir Elton John opens at London’s V&A Museum. It’s just like all the other galleries but the pictures have oversized, flamboyant frames.

Adult websites deny advertising dubious loopholes to thwart new laws barring under-18s, claiming that ‘dubious loopholes’ is merely a search category for their content.

FRIDAY

The French government say the new spire for Notre-Dame will reflect exactly how generous donors have been, as well as remaining true to traditional church architecture. So it will take the form of a giant thermometer showing the total raised.