NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

It turns out that the angry shouts of ‘get out!’ heard from Boris Johnson’s flat were him outlining all the detailed, nuanced plans he has for Brexit.

TUESDAY

Following the Tory leadership debate fiasco, the BBC admits it was too slack in allowing a man who made questionable tweets to slip on to TV… and present Match Of The Day for 20 years. After Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour auctions his guitars for charity, Chumbawumba’s Danbert Nobacon sells off his instruments to combat hunger and homelessness. His own.

WEDNESDAY

Suspended Foreign Office Minister Mark Field leaves a TripAdvisor review following his ill-fated Mansion House meal. ‘I had a beef, but the greens disagreed with me. I had to push them aside.’

THURSDAY

Campaigners gather at Heathrow to protest the airport’s expansion plans, arguing that a new runway will ruin the beauty and tranquillity of the M25-M4 interchange.

FRIDAY

Trainline boss Clare Gilmartin celebrates making £50million from the company’s flotation on the stock market by spending a large portion of her gains on a huge extravagance: a last-minute London to Cardiff rail ticket. Actor Mark Rylance steps up his campaign against theatre chiefs for taking sponsorship money from BP, urging: ‘Take the oil out of the RSC.’ So making it the RL Shakespeare Company.

SATURDAY

Following the box office success of Yesterday, a movie which imagines a world in which no one remembers The Beatles, a follow-up envisages a future in which somebody remembers Change UK.