QUOTES of the week

‘I have four beautiful children, I have dabbled in drugs over the years… now send me the keys to No10. I’ll sort this pile of s*** out.’ Rocker star Liam Gallagher makes an unconventional pitch to become Prime Minister. ‘The real winners were elderly impoverished pensioners. They lose their free TV licences next year and will be spared watching this stuff again.’ Broadcaster Julia Hartley-Brewer isn’t impressed by the BBC’s Tory leadership debate. ‘The weather must be improving. Just one funeral and two memorial services this month.’ Gyles Brandreth welcomes summer with a tongue-in-cheek quip. ‘I have to justify why I should present things more than anyone else because I am an Asian woman – and I’m blooming Northern.’ Countryfile’s Anita Rani on the prejudice she faces. ‘How do you eat an elephant? Small bites.’ Selah Schneiter, ten, on her strategy after becoming the youngest person to climb El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. ‘Less Homer’s Iliad and more Homer Simpson.’ Home Secretary Sajid Javid admits that his oratory skills leave a lot to be desired. ‘This is completely unacceptable. You are nearly 19 years old and I am bloody sick of it.’ Broadcaster Nicky Campbell shames his daughter by tweeting a picture of her messy bedroom to his 140,000 followers. ‘We were cocked and loaded.’ Donald Trump reveals he was ready to retaliate against Iran after it shot down a US drone – but changed his mind. ‘It’s in case someone is savaged by a giraffe or trampled by sensible shoes.’ Jeremy Paxman hits out at the BBC’s healthand-safety culture that means producers must fill out riskassessment forms before filming at London Zoo or the University Women’s Club.