NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson repeats his pledge to make all immigrants learn English so they can be properly understood, saying: ‘I’m no gnashgab, but some of these foreign scobberlotchers and mumblecruts are pure sorners, doing quisby when it comes to speaking the Queen’s English. For, “Si fueris Romae, Romano vivito more!” Pwah!’ Boris’s supporters also point out that his convoluted language proves that he’s always been against syntax, as well as sin tax.

TUESDAY

Scientists who created the most silent place on Earth in a lab just off the M6 are furious to find an even quieter place exists: a meeting of the Labour Pro-Jewish group.

WEDNESDAY

After literally turning their backs on the European Parliament, Nigel Farage’s Brexit MEPs unveil their new, mature, five-point plan for dealing with Brussels negotiations: 1) Stomp feet angrily; 2) Hold breath; 3) Lie on floor of the European Parliament chamber, kicking legs wildly while screaming ‘no!’; 4) Refuse to eat any more dinner – even if delivered by choo-choo train coming into the Eurotunnel; 5) Throw toys out of pram.

THURSDAY

Further poll misery for Labour as new figures reveal its popularity has slumped to just behind fungal infections, forks scraped against crockery, and the phrase ‘totes amazeballs’.

FRIDAY

Having edited Toy Story 2 to remove a joke that’s considered insensitive post-#MeToo, Disney releases a new cut of Sleeping Beauty that ends with the Prince under police investigation for molesting an unconscious woman unable to give consent.

SATURDAY

After issuing a new batch of Commandments for the digital age, the Church of England rejigs the Lord’s Prayer: ‘Our father, who art @heaven.com, hallowed be thy hashtag, thy kingdom trend, thy will be done, in real life as it is in Minecraft. Give us this day our daily likes, and forgive us our hate-tweets, as we forgive those who hate-tweet against us. And lead us not into a flame war, but deliver us from Zuckerberg. For thine is the domain name, the email and the password, for ever and ever. Ctrl-Q.’