NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

IT’S A huge day for sport with the Cricket World Cup final, the Wimbledon men’s singles final, the British Grand Prix and Jeremy Hunt’s record-breaking attempt to go five minutes without mentioning that he’s an ‘entrepreneur’.

MONDAY

BORIS JOHNSON makes another of his buses out of a wine crate, this time with a little figure of Sir Kim Darroch thrown under it.

Then Donald Trump gives Johnson a list of the people he would approve as the next British Ambassador to Washington: Mr Bean (‘very, very smart guy’), Tinky Winky (‘he speaks my language’), the late Benny Hill (‘great ideas on all those dumb women’s issues’) and Ivanka Trump.

TUESDAY

DEFIANT Labour chiefs insist there is absolutely no evidence of anti-Semitism in the party, saying: ‘We’ve definitely shredded it all now.’

WEDNESDAY

AFTER introducing contactless collection plates, the Church of England explains that it’s not the first time it’s put its faith in an invisible force that works in a mysterious way.

THURSDAY

THE MoD says it can’t spare more resources to protect the Persian Gulf as they are committed to a major peacekeeping mission – inside Labour HQ.

FRIDAY

EASYJET opens its first in-flight libraries, with the books only slightly modified for its customers. Titles include Uncle Tom’s Cabin... Baggage Is Oversize And Will Incur A Fee; One Hundred Years Of Solitude: My Experience On Hold To Customer Service; and A Tale Of Two Cities (The One We Said The Airport Was In, And The One Where It Actually Is).