NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days… MONDAY BORIS JOHNSON says his policy to put more police officers on the street is designed to cut knife crime. Specifically the number of times he’s stabbed in the back. TUESDAY AFTER former Labour MP Luciana Berger jumped from Change UK to the Lib Dems, Prince Andrew is forced to concede: ‘That’s even more dodgy parties than I’ve been linked to.’ Loch Ness locals continue to argue over the latest theory about their tourist-luring monster. Surely there can be no more divisive question for a community than ‘eel or no eel’? WEDNESDAY LIFT engineers spend the best part of a week trying to fix the elevator the Pope got stuck in. And on the third day it rose again. Emily Thornberry admits Labour’s Brexit position was inspired by fashion label Hermès – and its line of ridiculous, impractical and uncomfortable flip-flops. THURSDAY FOLLOWING last week’s research into how e-cigarettes affect fertility, a new study discovers exactly why women who vape take longer to get pregnant – because no one wants to have sex with somebody who smells like Strawberry Hubba Bubba. The man who paid £55,000 for a single beer is revealed to be chief accountant on the HS2 project. FRIDAY NEW No10 dog Dilyn has to go back to the rescue centre. All the yelping, digging holes for himself and aggressively marking his territory – that’s no environment for a dog to live in. As the Downton Abbey movie is released, Jacob Rees-Mogg dismisses it as ‘futuristic sci-fi nonsense’. SATURDAY THE boy who was speared with a 6in metal spring from a trampoline vows: ‘I’ll bounce back.’