NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Householders in South Yorkshire barricade their doors as they brace themselves for a fresh flood… of politicians trying to get photo ops. After Prince Andrew’s Newsnight interview, Royal souvenirmakers release a new range of commemorative whitewash.

TUESDAY

John Lewis continues to promote its figurehead: a dinosaur who seems well-meaning but who sows destruction and chaos wherever he goes. Sorry, not John Lewis – Labour. Meanwhile, the Shadow Cabinet remains divided over whether the new nationalised broadband would work only four days a week.

WEDNESDAY

Auctioneers selling the guitar once owned by Status Quo’s Francis Rossi say the £100,000 estimate is justified because it’s basically new: only three of the chords have ever been used.

THURSDAY

Nigel Farage continues to insist he was offered an honour if he stood down his Brexit Party candidates, recalling that literally hundreds of people have told him to: ‘Go away and get knighted.’ At least that’s what he thought they said. John McDonnell’s plan to take the railways into public ownership is extended to include Rod Stewart’s model train set.

FRIDAY

Police say they were shocked to find £20million of cocaine hidden in frozen meat, as they were expecting only a few joints. Meanwhile, their colleagues investigating the theft of thousands of pounds’ worth of Lego bricks say they have plenty of clues – they just can’t piece them all together.