NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR highly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Humbled by the Election result, many politicians have to get new jobs. Jeremy Corbyn becomes a department store Santa, offering free stuff to everyone without any credible way of paying for it. Nigel Farage gets a job as a council noise abatement officer, based on how many parties he’s already managed to shut down. But Diane Abbott declines an invitation to go on Strictly, saying ‘I’ve got two left feet’ – which at least explains her mismatched shoes on polling day.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson’s plea for the nation to come together is heeded in his own constituency, as he unites with rivals Lord Buckethead, Count Binface and Elmo. ‘Yes, I can work with that big-headed Muppet,’ Elmo said.

WEDNESDAY

Now with time on his hands, Jeremy Corbyn sends out his Christmas cards, each featuring a robin. Red-hearted, often found on allotments and with a tendency to sit on the fence, Jeremy

Corbyn used to be a political force. Meanwhile, Labour Party members take his calls for ‘a process of reflection’ to heart, with Keir Starmer spending the day admiring himself in the mirror.

THURSDAY

It’s the Queen’s Speech, the first of many Christmas TV repeats. After which, alpha males

Boris Johnson and Donald Trump plan to thrash out a bold new transatlantic trade deal – just as long as one isn’t hiding in a fridge and the other isn’t on Twitter teasing a teenage girl because she’s more popular than him.

FRIDAY

The Christmas tree which the BBC removed from Broadcasting House saying it was a ‘security risk’ has been replaced with something more appropriate: a giant snowflake. But a nativity scene is removed after Tory MPs claim that the image of Jesus in the manger was staged by his mother to score political points.

SATURDAY

Cats proves a hit at the cinema, prompting Hollywood to start remaking a number of old hits with the addition of digital fur and a feline storyline. Look out for The Sound Of Mewsic,

The Pawshank Redemption and Being John Meowkovich.