NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Prince Harry and Meghan Markle become two of the few people ever to ease off on work to spend LESS time with their family, they unveil some of the branded products they hope to flog to become ‘financially independent’: the Meghan Markle Disney Princess (because she disnae want to do royal work, she disnae want to be in the papers, she disnae want to liaise with courtiers…); the Prince Harry Royal Family tie (which can be as loose as you want – just fasten it in a Windsor-not); and the Sussex alarm clock, to ensure you’re always sufficiently woke.

TUESDAY

Labour leadership candidate Jess Phillips says that if elected she could fight to reverse Brexit. Which would be a Tixerb. The computer hackers demanding $3 million from bureaux de change company Travelex say they’ll also accept the sterling equivalent, which they’ve calculated using the firm’s at-the-airport exchange rate as £1.7 trillion.

WEDNESDAY

After a think tank found that Britain was ‘miles behind’ Europe when it comes to foreign languages, Education Secretary Gavin Williamson responds: ‘Pot pourri! This will make a right paté foie gras of the pret-a-manger we have with our EU neighbours, mes petits Mönchengladbachs.’ Beleaguered Northern Rail is given just weeks to keep operating – just enough time for it to get a train from Bootle to Hull.

THURSDAY

Prince Harry conducts the draw for the Rugby League World Cup, although he demands the media respect his privacy as the event is covered only on his Instagram feed. The list of meals the new robotic chef arms can prepare is released, including USBeef Wellington, lobster disque, ipad thai noodles, mushy https – and plenty of chips. Now all it needs is a server.

FRIDAY

As a ban on advertising Botox on social media comes into force, leading Instagram influencers are said to be shocked – if entirely incapable of showing it.

SATURDAY

Card Factory reports more cash woes, sparking fears it might fold. Premier League matches again start with a few moments of quiet to highlight mental health issues. Sponsors Bet365 is offering odds of 7/4 that it’s a minute’s silence and 2/1 that it’s two minutes.