QUOTES of the week

‘Madam, a terrorist has been shot dead. They’ve got a possible IED vest on them, which is a bomb. If you want to stay open for half an hour and put people’s lives in danger, be my guest.’

Police officer admonishes a cafe waitress who asked to stay open in the wake of the Streatham terror attack.

‘Hey, Britain, heard you just became single – welcome to the club. Wishing you the best with the divorce settlement.’

Brad Pitt’s joke to the Bafta audience after winning the Best Supporting Actor prize.

‘Now that we have left the European Union, can we go back to a single kiss on the cheek.’

Gill Knox, from Hawkshurst, Kent, in a letter to The Times.

‘Ambition in men is seen as heroic and cool – in women it is cold, self-serving and unlikeable.’ Actress Emily Blunt hits out at the difference in public attitudes.

‘I am not able to arrange any divestment at short notice. But I can arrange for the central heating to be switched off with immediate effect.’

Andrew Parker, bursar of St John’s College, Oxford, issues a sharp response to students who want an end to the college’s fossil fuel investments.

‘One minute he was bearing down on plot, dialogue and actresses with the gleeful appetite of a man just freed from Siberia, at other times he was writhing not just in agony but mutilation and a convincingly horrible death.’

Critic’s description of Kirk Douglas, the Hollywood legend who died last week aged 103.

‘That bloody Wee

Jimmy Krankie woman.’

Boris Johnson’s reported comment about SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon.