NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR highly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days… MONDAY In Washington, British negotiators working on a US-UK trade deal suggest we import Anne Sacoolas and export Prince Andrew. One old colleague of Phillip Schofield says he isn’t surprised he is gay. ‘I knew he’d eventually come out of the broom cupboard,’ said Gordon T Gopher. TUESDAY After House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ripped up her copy of Donald Trump’s State Of The Union address, the President gets his revenge by tearing up the Constitution. WEDNESDAY Ikea closes the doors on its Coventry store… which is more than its customers can ever do with the cabinets it sells. Meanwhile, Axminster goes to the wall, which really is the best way to fit it. THURSDAY After baring her shoulder, MP Tracy Brabin is lectured about appropriate dress in the Commons by an official wearing silk stockings and black breeches accessorised by a 137-year-old stick made of ebony. The scientist who discovered that Viagra could be bad for your eyesight says he started his research after finding that whenever he bought it, he was given a hard stare. FRIDAY After animal rights activists campaign to abolish the word ‘pet’ for being degrading, TV chiefs order some hasty re-editing of old episodes of Spender and The Likely Lads. SATURDAY Pamela Anderson marries for a sixth ti... oh, hang on, they’ve just got divorced.