NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR highly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming few days…
MONDAY
Entering No11, Rishi Sunak says unlike predecessor Sajid Javid, he won’t be Chino (Chancellor in name only) but Cords (Chancellor obeying rules Dominic sets). And after axed Minister Andrea Leadsom said she was happy she could now spend more time with her constituents, the people of South Northamptonshire beg the Prime Minister to reconsider.
TUESDAY
After Manchester City are banned from Europe for overinflating how much money they have, several EU countries ask if the same process could be applied to Donald Trump. Rory Stewart reveals he got his idea to campaign for London Mayor by sleeping on the sofas of random voters from former Mayor Boris Johnson, who used the same tactic every time he was kicked out of his house by his partner.
WEDNESDAY
The dinosaurs to appear on the new 50p pieces have been named: the Charlotte Brontësaurus, the John Terrydactyl, the cup-of-tea Rex… and Ann Widdecombe. After scientists found people who play golf regularly have fewer strokes, one expert says: ‘That’s obvious – as they get more experienced, they’re bound to take fewer strokes.’
THURSDAY
After being hit by tourists stealing from its properties, the trust that owns Shakespeare’s birthplace and Anne Hathaway’s Cottage has affixed metal plates to both buildings carrying stern warnings not to pilfer. Yes, it’s a plaque on both its houses.
FRIDAY
As the Covid-19 crisis deepens, there’s light at the end of the tunnel for the frustrated, desperate people stuck all at sea, treated like pariahs and out of touch with the rest of society – as Labour members finally get to vote on who will replace Jeremy Corbyn. Councils blame the decline in lollipop men and women on rules about exposing kids to subliminal messages on unhealthy eating. Fewer people are volunteering to be ‘sprout-on-a-stick-men’.
SATURDAY
The Office for National Statistics admits that it was a moment of madness to say it wanted to end the ten-year population count, adding: ‘We shouldn’t take leave of our Census.’