NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

No 10 announces a decisive solution to the nationwide toilet-paper shortages: share certificates are now so worthless you might as well use those. Russian YouTube pranksters complain they were duped by Prince Harry. ‘We thought he was a genuine HRH,’ they protest. ‘He sounded so convincing.’

TUESDAY

Even though BT chief executive Philip Jansen has tested positive for Covid-19, medics say the chance of him transmitting anything successfully is very low.

WEDNESDAY

The Northamptonshire police chief who employed a consultant to tell his officers how to sleep properly defends his decision, explaining that he wanted to make sure his force was always sufficiently woke.

THURSDAY

After North Korea was revealed to be propping up its teetering finances by the illicit export of silt, Kim Jong Un says he got the idea from Donald Trump – since America’s economy appears to be built on sand, too.

Happy news as the Duchess of Sussex reveals that little Archie is no longer crawling (although the same can’t be said of Nicholas Witchell) and is now standing on his own two feet (although the same can’t be said of her own husband).

FRIDAY

Police rejoice over the sentence handed down to a pest who was found guilty for a second time of calling 999 to burp at call-handlers. Officers say they always knew he was a repeat offender.

In other crime news, the number of offenders across the country has plunged to zero. But only because they have been renamed ‘people subject to probation services’ by politically correct officials.