NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Matt Hancock unveils the slight relaxation of lockdown rules. Newly permitted exercises will include moving goalposts, the yoga pose ‘putting your foot in your mouth’ and anything that leaves you red in the face.

Nevertheless, Ministers continue to insist that the easing of lockdown will be gradual. Actors will be allowed back to work in stages, aerobics instructors step by step, students by degrees, and computer programmers bit by bit.

And as churches are told they can open as long as worshippers are spaced two metres apart, many vicars ask how they can possibly pack their congregation to such dizzying numbers.

TUESDAY

Some Isle of Wight residents refuse to download the coronavirus contact-tracing app over privacy fears, taking to Facebook to share their concerns alongside their location, entire photo library, browsing history and list of friends.

A week after Boris Johnson revealed that, while in hospital, he clapped the essential workers in his underwear, the nation still can’t erase the euphemism ‘essential workers in my underwear’ from its collective memory.

WEDNESDAY

Police responding to reports of another unwanted migrant taking needless risks to sneak his way towards Dover find it’s Nigel Farage on the latest of his lockdown-flouting jaunts.

THURSDAY

After Elon Musk revealed that his recently-born child was named X AE A-12, it’s finally explained what that means. It means he’s a wazzock.

Opera fans respond to Glyndebourne organisers’ suggestion they recreate the festival at home by setting fire to £20 notes beneath their garden sprinkler while listening to their radio pumping out Classic FM from a quarter of a mile away.

FRIDAY

Amanda Holden takes the dress made of fake £50 notes she wore last week in for alterations at her favourite Cockney seamstress. She wants a monkey off her back.