NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson explains that his relaxed lockdown rules – which mean you can see only one parent but as many estate agents as you like – make perfect sense, since property professionals can be relied on to maintain two-metre social distancing. For whoever heard of an estate agent lying about measurements…?

However, the Prime Minister does update the list of what are considered essential jobs. Chairing crucial Cobra meetings about impending pandemics is not on the list.

TUESDAY

Teachers state they will go back to school only if there is a reduction in the syllabus. So rather than teaching children the three ‘R’s, the R number must be reduced to less than one.

WEDNESDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg renews his calls for a full return to Parliament, explaining that MPs can stay two metres apart if they all insouciantly lounge their body across the benches.

THURSDAY

BuzzFeed officially lays off its UK workforce with a mass email saying: ‘How redundant are you? You won’t believe these incredible results!’ Following the news that the England and Wales Cricket Board is to spend £100,000 on hand sanitiser, Australia say that’s barely enough to cover a test match’s worth of ball-tampering.

FRIDAY

Lake District bosses reveal their new tourism slogan: ‘Just shove off, we don’t want your sort around here.’ The film industry starts cranking up production again, but with strict social distancing in place. The first movies to be made include Don’t Meet The Parents, Not So Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, The Man In The Ironed Mask, The Loneliness Of The Socially Distancing Runner, Sex Lies And Covideotape, and the works of Quentin Inquarantino.