NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Defending himself against breaching the lockdown, Dominic Cummings insists: ‘I was guided by the science’… which turns out to mean he used a satnav to drive to Durham.

TUESDAY

As regular Britons continue to be confused by mixed lockdown messages, Boris Johnson insists that Government rules are clear and unambiguous: you can go out, but not ‘out, out’. After No10’s advice that people should stay ‘three fridges’ apart was widely mocked, the Prime Minister sticks up for the aide who posted it, saying ‘ridicule is a million miles from what he deserves’. Or 5.28 trillion sandwich toasters.

WEDNESDAY

Trump issues new demands to the World Health Organisation if they want to keep receiving American finance. They are: put ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball caps on the list of essential protective equipment; recalibrate the BMI measures for obesity so a man of his height and weight now falls into the category of ‘perfect hunk – everybody’s saying it’; and rename Covid-19 Obamavirus.

THURSDAY

Scientists who discovered the genes that could unlock the secret to obesity explain how it works. If you don’t fit into your skinny genes, you’re fat.

FRIDAY

As part of the divorce settlement, Bradley Wiggins’s wife wins custody of the sideburns. After widespread criticism, FC Seoul removes the sex dolls it used as replacement supporters to fill its terraces, saying:

‘We’ve let all our fans down.’