NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days.

MONDAY

Matt Hancock says there was sound medical advice behind his announcement that all hospital visitors must now wear masks, since during his last visit to the wards a doctor told him: ‘You’d better not show your face around here again.’

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson insists ‘air bridges’ will be the solution to the 14-day quarantine for travellers, telling the daily Downing Street press conference: ‘Trust me! When have I ever promised a bridge that turned out to be an impractical fantasy?’ Donald Trump is again found hiding in a bunker as protesters march on Washington. It’s the one just to the left of the dog-leg on the 15th hole.

WEDNESDAY

Medics advise people not to try Isaac Newton’s newly discovered plague cure based on toad vomit. As they point out: ‘Every patient that took it, croaked.’ As calls for him to quit as No 10 aide finally subside, a defiant Dominic Cummings says: ‘I’m going nowhere.’ Which is a first.

THURSDAY

After Prince Charles complained that FaceTime meetings leave him feeling disconnected from his parents, one aide finally builds up the courage to tell him he’s actually spent the past ten weeks talking to a stamp. A plastic surgeon defying lockdown with drive-through treatments has raised eyebrows in Florida. He has also raised jawlines and narrowed noses.

FRIDAY

With churches hoping to open soon, clerics issue a newly relevant hymnal – featuring such spiritual songs as Nearer, My God, To Thee (But Still At Least Two Metres Away); O God, Our IT Help In Zoom Meetings Past; and Immortal, Invisible Covid-19. Famously foul-mouthed millionaire chef Gordon Ramsay is reprimanded for his overuse of a new F-word: furlough.

SATURDAY

Victoria’s Secret lingerie bosses admit the UK operation went bust as their assets had been overinflated and the bottom line had been given an unrealistic level of support.