NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

As the band Queen appears on postage stamps alongside the traditional outline of the Monarch’s head, philatelists are pleased they can still see a little silhouetto of a ma’am.

TUESDAY

Medics advise that if you’re feeling hot under the collar, have greasy palms and lost your senses, you may have Covid-19 – or you may just be the Housing Minister. Meanwhile, former porn baron Richard Desmond shrugs off the scandal over the luxury housing development, as for him it’s just another grubby Penthouse issue.

WEDNESDAY

Police say Liverpool fans can only continue celebrating their Premier League title victory if they follow social distancing rules and ALWAYS walk alone.

THURSDAY

In a surprise move, critics agree with Jacob Rees-Mogg’s suggestion that the weather could affect the coronavirus death toll. Key factors are ‘weather’ the Government secured enough PPE, ‘weather’ it imposed lockdown early enough and ‘weather’ it could arrange enough tests. Meanwhile, Germany’s R number has risen so much it will now be known as Gerrrrmany.

FRIDAY

Segway admit that it’s ironic they had to stop making their glorified scooters because the books just wouldn’t balance.

SATURDAY

Good news! Pubs are allowed to open today if they stick to strict rules, such as ordering by app. The bad news is that Matt Hancock is in charge of making it. Driving lessons also begin again – but pupils must first take an eye test, which involves driving to Barnard Castle and back.