NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Police reveal how many people drank too much when pubs reopened yesterday, and how they were identified – staggering figures.

MONDAY

Stanley Johnson tries the

Dominic Cummings ‘just checking my eyesight’ defence for his jaunt to Greece. After all, he was the only one who couldn’t see how offensively out-of-touch he was being. The BBC tells presenters not to wear Black Lives Matters badges. The organisation has been accused of hiding a dangerously radical agenda behind a publicly acceptable image… and so has BLM.

TUESDAY

In a fresh batch of legal papers, Dan Brown’s ex-wife says their marriage was a terrible chapter in her life. Which is 104 fewer terrible chapters than in The Da Vinci Code. Meghan Markle offers to renew her marriage vows in Windsor, since she’s worked out that the event will provide a big enough economic boost to wipe out Britain’s entire £2 trillion debt. Diane Abbott helped her with the maths.

WEDNESDAY

Facebook unveils its full, comprehensive checklist to help users spot fake news. The only question is: ‘Did you read it on Facebook?’

FRIDAY

Cash-strapped Cirque du Soleil warns its staff they will have to accept new working practices, with acrobats told they will just have to be more flexible. Scientists who found that singing reduces wrinkles say the best song to use is Creased Lightening.

SATURDAY

Cricket is allowed in the UK again, but fielders are warned about the dangers of catching something that originated from a bat.