NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Parody news columns are rendered redundant after Boris Johnson’s ‘get fit to beat coronavirus’ drive genuinely kicks off with his Government offering 50 per cent discounts at Burger King, McDonald’s, KFC, Nando’s and Pizza Hut.

TUESDAY

The Government insists its new lockdown rules for Northern England are not confusing: you can meet with four friends from two bubbles or with any prime number less than 11 people from three bubbles, in any post1945 building with mock-Tudor architecture after the fourth caw of a crow on any second Tuesday after a full Moon, or third Wednesday if you are carrying a sprig of parsley from an east-facing hillock, unless your maternal grandfather was ever in contact with a wood pigeon.

WEDNESDAY

Boris Johnson denies claims of cronyism as Lord Dilyn of Lamppost takes his place in the Upper House (even though he’s not allowed on the benches, bad dog!).

THURSDAY

After William Wordsworth’s country home becomes a Buddhist retreat, devotees assemble there to mull the sound of one cloud wandering.

News that The Phantom Of The Opera won’t be reopening in the West End is seized upon as proof that even wearing a mask offers no protection from the effects of coronavirus.

FRIDAY

The caller who rang 999 after spotting a slice of pizza in the middle of the road insists a heinous crime had been committed: the pizza had pineapple on it. After Elton John was dubbed ‘socket man’ over his £50,000-ayear electricity bill, he rereleases a new greatest hits album with rewritten lyrics, including I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Fuse; Saturday Night’s All Right For Lighting; Circuit Of Life; The Switch Is Back and Philadelphia Freed-ohm.

SATURDAY

Police express disappointment that a 28st conman was spared jail because he was so fat, saying: ‘He was the Mr Big of the operation.’

Gwynedd Council confirms it will be introducing a £1 charge to climb Snowdon, but it will be cheaper off peak.