QUOTES of the week

‘Actress, fashion model and spokesmodel.’ Meghan Markle’s Wikipedia page in October 2016 before it changed – three days before her relationship with Prince Harry went public – to ‘actress, activist, humanitarian’.

‘A fat knacker running around at the back panting.’ Prince William recalls his younger days playing football on the BBC’s That Peter Crouch Podcast

‘So farewell then, Laminated Book Of Dreams, Wipe-Clean Almanac Of Aspirations, Sanitised Lexicon Of Possibility.’ Comedian Bill Bailey pays tribute to the Argos catalogue after the retailer said it would no longer be printed.

‘That’s on the passport. Job: pretending to be other people, not telling my own tedious story.’

Juliet Stevenson, star of Truly, Madly, Deeply, hits out against the notion that actors must ‘tell their own story’ by only playing characters of their own race and sexuality.

‘The ads during the cricket are almost exclusively for hair loss and erectile dysfunction. Rather stereotyping us cricket fans. I have plenty of hair.’ Actor Stephen Mangan jokingly shares his irritation as he watches sport on TV.

‘If a Weed gets together with a Hedges, I think they’re going to give birth to the President of the Royal Horticultural Society.’ Keith Weed reckons his parents’ surnames were pivotal to him becoming the RHS’s new chief. (His dad was the Weed.)

‘All the authority of a geography supply teacher asked to supervise Year Ten remedial maths.’ Jeremy Paxman’s description of Education Secretary Gavin Williamson

‘It was very fiddly.’ Model-maker Michael Byard, 80, who has almost completed a 5ft-long replica of HMS Victory after 51 years. The original took six.