QUOTES of the week

‘He’s off the Christmas card and present list.’ England cricketer Stuart Broad after being fined by his father – match referee Chris Broad – for swearing at Pakistani batsman Yasir Shah. ‘Can I have a large scoop of statistically inaccurate virtue signalling with my grossly overpriced ice cream please?’ Foreign Office Minister James Cleverly hits back at Ben & Jerry’s after it criticised Priti Patel’s call for the Navy to halt Channel migrants. ‘Hot days in London: I’d quite like five minutes when I’m not forced to listen to someone else’s music, in my house, in the garden, in the street, even from other cyclists, it’s relentless. If playing music please be aware, everyone else HATES YOU.’ Artist Grayson Perry speaks for the silent majority. ‘I was in a posh salon in Mayfair so I was a bit too shy to say I don’t want it done and I kind of nodded.’ Twiggy reveals she didn’t want the crop look that made her famous in the 1960s. ‘The sun is beating down. We’ve seen lots of doggers.’ Carol Kirkwood is left red-faced after using a slang term for people who have sex in public during a BBC weather report – she meant to say joggers and dog walkers. ‘Cancel culture’s refusal to engage with uncomfortable ideas has an asphyxiating effect on the creative soul of society.’ Rock star Nick Cave condemns those trying to silence all but the most politically correct opinions. ‘I would have to lose an arm and a leg to fall out of the top 50.’ Snooker star Ronnie O’Sullivan laments the falling standards in the sport. ‘Sir, we admire your optimism.’ Waterstones tweets after a customer at its flagship Piccadilly store buys a 2021 calendar.