NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

oUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After hearing that people are being told to travel hundreds of miles for coronavirus tests, Dominic Cummings says: ‘Well, isn’t that less driving than you need for an eye test?’

TUESDAY

Hundreds of Twitter users who voted Jeremy Corbyn ‘the best Prime Minister we never had’ demand a recount as they thought they were voting for ‘the Prime Minister it’s best we never had’. After scientists discover flowers have the ability to count, Priti Patel loses her job to a bowl of petunias. Ed Sheeran defends calling his daughter Antarctica, insisting: ‘It’s a cool name.’

WEDNESDAY

Not to be outdone by Harry and Meghan, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice sign their own deal with Netflix – a 12-month standard streaming contract for £8.99 a month. After doctors are urged not to use the word ‘chubby’, Blackpool Pier announces a late summer season from comedian Roy ‘High Body Mass Index’ Brown.

THURSDAY

The Met Office tells Britons not to worry too much about the forthcoming Storm Gavin, saying they are certain that the Education Secretary’s namesake will be downgraded to Mild Breeze Gavin by an algorithm.

FRIDAY

New Batman star Robert Pattinson says he’s surprised to have caught Covid-19 – or the ‘Bat virus’ – after wearing a mask all day… until it is pointed out that it doesn’t cover his mouth. New BBC boss Tim Davie denies his search for more Right-wing comedians is a sop to the Government after announcing a new slate of comedy programmes: Matt Hancock’s Half Hour; Have We Got World-Beating Policy Announcements For You; and Only Fools And Horses Would Vote For Labour And Their Irresponsible Fiscal Proposals.

SATURDAY

As Gwyneth Paltrow unveils a deodorant based on the smell of another intimate body part, the manufacturers admit they might have misheard her request for an ‘aerosol spray’.