NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The EU unveils its latest vaccine trade rules, insisting they are based on strict medical needs, not a desire to punish the UK for Brexit. Exports will be allowed on a formula based on each nation’s epidemiological situation, laboratory capacity and whether or not they beat Germany in the 1966 World Cup Final.

Prince Harry starts his new job as a ‘chief impact officer’ – a title previously held by Prince Philip based on his driving record.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson drops controversial plans to demand that drinkers show a vaccine passport to get into pubs. But they will have to be carrying at least two Union Jacks.

Code-crackers at GCHQ follow up the release of the Alan Turing £50 note with their most unanswerable riddle yet: Where on earth can you spend cash these days?

WEDNESDAY

Nicola Sturgeon denies being vindictive after having Alex Salmond arrested as ‘parties are banned during lockdown’.

After it was revealed that Zara Tindall gave birth to her third child on the bathroom floor, the Queen’s granddaughter admits that she missed a trick in not calling him Matt.

THURSDAY

Research which suggested there’s no significant difference between the male and female brain is immediately disproved by analysing just how many women have offered their unsolicited, unqualified advice on how to shift a 200,000-ton container ship from the Suez Canal.

Ikea responds to allegations that it spied on its staff and customers… but ironically has great difficulty in building a case.

FRIDAY

After chef Heston Blumenthal says he speaks to his rice to make it taste nicer, it is feared he misunderstood the term ‘pilau talk’.

Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider confirm there is one more force of nature than they previously thought. And it was Captain Sir Tom Moore.