NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

SUNDAY

Scientists confirm that last week’s heatwave was so extreme that even Prince Andrew sweated. Amid fears the Tokyo Olympics could be a multi-billion-pound damp squib, its track and field events are renamed track and trace events.

MONDAY

In a fresh outburst, Dominic Cummings complains of the undue influence the unelected, powerhungry Carrie Johnson has over husband Boris… then has to drive to Barnard Castle to get his sense of hypocrisy tested. At Latitude, the first major live music event post-Freedom Day, festival-goers said they loved The Vaccines, The Cure and the Pfizer Chiefs, were undecided on Placebo, but hated the Pings of Leon.

TUESDAY

Sir Keir Starmer’s self-isolation continues. As does the fact no one is noticing. Prince Harry starts work on his second book, after successfully finding Wally in the first.

WEDNESDAY

As Katie Hopkins arrives back in the UK, Australian officials insist they had to deport her as they have already got quite enough feral, venomous creatures, thank you.

THURSDAY

After slapping an anti-social behaviour order on two trees it wants to fell, Bristol Council says it was a valid use of an AS-bough.

FRIDAY

Anne Robinson’s rude comments on Countdown continue to raise eyebrows… but her own remain oddly impassive.