Come on Tom, admit it. Nobody wants a bronze medal on the mantelpiece
THURSDAY, JULY 8
The Queen has opened up the gardens of Buckingham Palace to the public for the first time and is said to be ‘delighted’ that the hoi polloi will now be able to picnic in her private palatial grounds.
Hmmm.
I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
During a media party at Windsor Castle many years ago, I asked Her Majesty whether she enjoyed the large public garden parties held there.
‘Well, let me put it to you like this, Mr Morgan,’ she replied, ‘how would YOU like 12,000 complete strangers trampling on YOUR lawn?’
STATURDAY, JULY 10
TV regulator Ofcom has released the ten mostcomplained about moments on British TV during the past year, and I was involved in four of them: three fiery pandemic grillings of Government Ministers and my ‘I don’t believe a word she says’ rant about Princess Pinocchio’s Oprah whine-athon that led me to leave Good Morning Britain.
Obviously, I take this very seriously and can only apologise – for not being involved in the other six.
UESDAY, JULY 20
As I watched Dominic ‘I’m a genius – just ask me’ Cummings sneer, smirk and scoff his way through his BBC interview with Laura Kuenssberg tonight, I was struck by who he reminds me of.
‘Who would you feel safer employing?’ I tweeted, posting photos of him and Hannibal Lecter with the hashtag ‘#Psychos’.
A few minutes later, I received notification that the tweet had been ‘liked’ by Health Secretary Sajid Javid.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 21 ‘Holly & Piers – CAN THEY SAVE GMB?’ screams the new cover of Woman magazine.
I wouldn’t hold your breath for this particular TV dream team.
‘I want the biggest dressing room,’ I texted Ms Willoughby. ‘You can have it,’ she replied. ‘I won’t be there.’
SATURDAY, JULY 24 I was sad to hear that comedian Jackie Mason has died aged 93. I only saw the Jewish maestro perform once, at Alan Sugar’s home in Chigwell, Essex, 13 years ago, after the tycoon paid him a large cheque to fly in from America and entertain guests at his 40th wedding anniversary party.
Mason shuffled out on stage with a bemused expression.
‘I don’t know why I’m here,’ he said, ‘or who for, other than he’s a billionaire with a big head and short legs.’
Pause.
‘I understand he has lots of friends, none of whom could be here tonight.’
Pause.
‘He is such a humble, modest private man, that’s why he’s on TV all the time.’
The rest of his set was equally hilarious.
But it was his fearlessness in sticking it to his fee-paying host that made the biggest impression.
Mason once publicly mocked Frank Sinatra so badly over his marriage to much-younger Mia Farrow that Sinatra had him beaten up and threatened with death if he continued.
Mason carried on mocking him.
He was an outrageous, savagely politically incorrect, and hysterically funny man.
And he had what all the truly great comedians have – balls of steels. RIP.
MONDAY, JULY 26 Watching Tom Daley (right) finally win an Olympic gold medal today reminded me of when he came on Good Morning Britain a few months after he self-imploded at the 2016 Rio Olympics.
‘How determined are you to get on that podium in 2020?’ I asked him.
‘Oh, more so now than I’ve ever been,’ he replied. ‘My ultimate dream and goal is to be an Olympic champion. Always has been from when I was a little kid and I’ve been making little attempts of getting there, closer and closer. And knowing that 2016 could have been my year and just not doing it on the day I needed to do it on is one of the most heart-breaking things, but it was the one thing that really kicked me into gear and think 2020 could be my time.’
‘Losing can be the catalyst to glory,’ I said. ‘It’s all about winning gold, isn’t it Tom?’
‘I wouldn’t…’ he stammered, ‘I mean, other Olympic medals are treasured as well…’
‘Come on Tom,’ I urged. ‘It’s all about winning gold. Nobody wants a bronze medal on the mantelpiece…’
He burst out laughing.
‘Every medal counts!’ insisted Susanna Reid, who would dish out participation prizes to every last-placed Olympian if she was allowed to.
‘Nonsense, it’s all about the gold!’ I barked.
‘Have you got an Olympic bronze medal, Piers?’ Tom asked.
‘I’ve never competed in the Olympics,’ I replied, ‘but if I did, I’d only want gold.’
‘What sport would that be?’ he scoffed.
‘Talking over everybody,’ Susanna answered.
Perhaps, but I was right.
Great champions don’t care about coming second or third.
You could tell from Daley’s tears of joy today that it’s all about gold.
As for my own Olympic qualities, my gym trainer Sarah Lindsay, a former Team GB speed-skater, told The Sun last week: ‘Piers could definitely have been an Olympian. He’s the most competitive man on the planet and you need that streak to make it to the top of any sporting field. He’s driven, has bags of selfbelief, is massively resilient – and tough too.
‘If I tell him he’s had a good session, his reply will be, “I know.” ’
Exactly.
TUESDAY, JULY 27 After two weeks battling the Covid Delta variant, as I detailed in last week’s Mail on Sunday, I’ve been left with waves of fatigue and a persistent cough that apparently could go on for quite a while.
But by far the most annoying side effect is my current ongoing inability to taste or smell fine wine.
Fellow vino-loving friends have been quick to offer support, albeit also sensing an opportunity to save money.
‘I have a bottle of Chateau Batailley for us to share,’ emailed Andrew Neil from his home in France.
‘But if your taste buds are still in recess then I will plunder my private stash of Blue Nun for you. Apparently if you drink it, you could die, but if you inject it, the virus dies.
‘Proven scientific fact – Donald Trump told me.’