NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Government edicts on eating less sugar and salt, the types of car and boiler that we should buy, hand-washing and how to load the dishwasher lead to more success on the last day of the Tokyo Olympics – as Britain heads the meddle table.

MONDAY

Following the revelations that globetrotting Climate Minister Alok Sharma brazenly and repeatedly ignored the traffic light system, he is made honorary president of Cycling UK.

Amid confusion over whether Scotland’s newly relaxed coronavirus rules allow ‘vertical drinking’ at the bar, most Glaswegians vow to remain vertical for as little time as possible.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson follows his claim that Margaret Thatcher was a green pioneer for closing the coal mines by hailing her ‘milk-snatching’ policy as an early triumph for veganism.

WEDNESDAY

Denying reports that Whitehall civil servants are struggling under outdated technology, a Government spokesman issues a strongly worded telegram.

Following last week’s UN conference on ‘killer robots’ being deployed in war, the Security Council agrees that the only way to thwart them would be a small tick box on the edge of the battlefield saying: ‘I am not a robot.’

THURSDAY

GCHQ quickly abandons its advice for people to construct their passwords from three random yet memorable words, as everyone ends up with Government slogans.

FRIDAY

As barristers face a new clampdown on saucy innuendos at work, law chiefs remind clients that if they are unhappy with their representatives, they can always remove their briefs…

SATURDAY

With plans for new £700million film studios that could make Hertfordshire a rival to Hollywood, a slate of potential blockbusters is unveiled, including Hatfield Of Dreams, The Seven Year Hitchin, Some Like It Hoddesdon, Lord Of The Trings and the Harry Potter’s Bar series.