NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab continues to argue it wasn’t wrong for him to be on a five-star holiday as Kabul fell. He says it gave him empathy for Afghans scrambling to flee the Taliban as ‘there was quite the tussle over the fresh papaya at breakfast, I can tell you’.

TUESDAY

The Paralympics begin in Tokyo, with Team GB hoping to beat their Olympic haul, when they brought back 22 golds, 21 silvers, 22 bronzes and four new variants.

Relatives of inventor Peter Corby thank the media for giving him such glowing obituaries, and acknowledge that he always got a good press.

WEDNESDAY

After Bournemouth Council decides to stop offering deckchairs on the beach, suppliers say they’ll have to fold.

Researchers who found that

Britons swear much less than they did 20 years ago concede that they didn’t count anybody watching Prime Minister’s Questions.

THURSDAY

As Nando’s runs out of chicken, executives warn that supply problems are putting their bottom line in real peri-peril.

The first users of the new ‘robot lawyer’ app say the letters it drafts are incomprehensible gibberish – so are delighted at just how authentic it is.

FRIDAY

The Royal Shakespeare Company denies it’s gone woke after warning audiences about the ‘triggering’ content of Romeo And Juliet. Bosses say they won’t be issuing any such advice for their next three productions – The Two People With Penises Of Verona, The Merry Life Partners Of Windsor and Queen Lear.

There’s chaos at the funeral of the man who created sudoku as it takes six attempts to put his coffin into the correct hole.