NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After hearing Dominic Raab’s explanation about why he couldn’t possibly have been paddle-boarding as Kabul fell, Priti Patel asks why she can’t just ‘close the sea’ to migrants.

Meanwhile, the first Afghan refugees to be housed in Pontins holiday camps quickly come to the conclusion that the Taliban’s tough stance on banning entertainment wasn’t so bad after all.

TUESDAY

As a pub in Scunthorpe installs a new condom machine in the gents, Health Secretary Sajid Javid issues a press release hailing ‘the opening of a major new sexual health hospital’.

McDonald’s continues to report widespread food shortages across its sites – although bosses say there’s plenty of salad left.

WEDNESDAY

Liz Truss denies she made Ian Botham the trade envoy to Australia only because of his fame in the 1980s and 1990s, as she unveils the rest of the negotiating team: H From Steps, Roland Rat and Mr Blobby.

The National Trust’s new working hours come into play, allowing staff to take a siesta every day – as long as they ensure they are fully woke by the end of it.

THURSDAY

Following another disruptive stunt, Extinction Rebellion protesters take a new step towards their ultimate goal of net zero… sympathy for their aims.

Kanye West admits he’s only changing his name to ‘Ye’ for all the free publicity he’ll get from town criers. ‘Hear Ye! Hear Ye!’

FRIDAY

Researchers who found that half of Britons tell lies to make themselves look more interesting admit they made it up.

SATURDAY

The owner of the Birmingham curry house Tom Cruise visited said he was totally smitten by the Hollywood star as soon as he ordered, admitting: ‘He had me at aloo.’