I cheered my free speech victory – then smashed straight into a window
SUNDAY, AUGUST 15 When Barbara Windsor appeared on Life Stories, I asked her whether she’d rather be remembered for the ‘world’s most famous giggle’ or the ‘world’s most famous cleavage’. ‘I don’t want either of those!’ she retorted, indignantly. ‘I’d like, “She was a good bird.”’
Today, her widower Scott Mitchell emailed me a photograph of his beloved Bar’s new plaque at Golders Green Crematorium, accompanied by a heart emoji.
Beneath a tender tribute was the quote: ‘She was a good bird.’
MONDAY, AUGUST 16 Comedian Sean Lock, who has died aged 58, had a more unusual memorial request. The 8 Out Of 10 Cats star wasn’t my biggest fan. Once asked what he would do if he was invisible for the day, he replied: ‘Punch Piers Morgan in the b***ocks every five minutes.’
And his final wishes followed a similar theme. ‘It’s in my will that when I die, my ashes will be thrown in Piers Morgan’s eyes,’ he declared during one of his last appearances on The Last Leg.
RIP Sean – and see you soon. Literally.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 ‘It’s no trick to support the free speech of somebody you agree with,’ said the author Salman Rushdie, whose life was threatened with a fatwa for exercising his right to it. ‘The defence of free speech begins at the point when people say something you can’t stand.’
I thought of Rushdie when TV regulator Ofcom announced this morning that it had found in my favour over the record number of complaints it received over my criticism of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s explosive interview with Oprah Winfrey, which led to me leaving Good Morning Britain.
The key finding was this: ‘Ofcom is clear that, consistent with freedom of expression, Mr Morgan was entitled to say he disbelieved the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s allegations and to hold and express strong views that rigorously challenged their account.’ This was obviously a less serious battle than the one Rushdie faced over his book The Satanic Verses, which sparked many killings after the Ayatollah of Iran ordered his murder for alleged blasphemy. But the principle was the same: defending free speech is a hill worth dying on because, without it, democracy itself dies.
And I could tell how important this ruling was to so many people when my phone exploded with congratulatory messages from actors, pop stars, TV icons, sporting legends and many former GMB colleagues.
‘Common sense prevails,’ texted both Des Lynam and Jeffrey Archer.
‘Vindicated! About time too!’ messaged Dame Joan Collins, who finds the woke war on free speech even more annoying than I do.
Rob Rinder just sent me a GIF of Oprah wildly celebrating.
Even politicians were thrilled for me. ‘Really pleased to see this result today,’ texted Foreign Office Minister James Cleverly, a guy I regularly chewed up on GMB during the pandemic.
‘An important decision,’ I replied.
‘Very,’ he concurred.
Tonight, I attended the GQ Men of the Year Awards. Ironically, I won one of these last year for holding the Government to ferocious account, only to then lose my job for doing the same to the Sussexes. I bumped into Gary Lineker soon after arrival. ‘Congratulations,’ he said. ‘I knew you must have won when you tweeted last week that it was time Ofcom published its report…’
I winked. (Ofcom, as with all rulings, had sent round a provisional finding to interested parties for comment.)
Gary’s got a reputation as a woke warrior, but he never seeks to inhibit anyone’s freedom of speech. He just likes to voice his opinions, and for that he regularly gets abused and told to ‘stick to football’.
We argue like hell on Twitter and over dinner about everything, from Brexit and Trump to whether Ronaldo is better than Messi (I say Cristiano, he says Lionel), but we respect each other’s different views, and it never affects our friendship.
Isn’t that what we should all strive for in a proper democratic society?
It was a fun night at the GQ awards, but by 11pm things were deteriorating.
Ed Sheeran had just called everyone at GQ a ‘bunch of c***s’ on stage for naming him Britain’s Worst Dressed Man of 2012, and I’d been tipped off that Prince Harry was about to speak to us live by video-link from California. So it seemed a good time to go home.
As I left, I could hear Harry lecturing the audience about the danger of ‘misinformation’ and ‘peddling lies’, without a shred of self-awareness. I chuckled and pulled out my phone to check the first-edition headlines of the newspapers. To my delight, most of them had splashed my victory all over their front pages.
‘QUEEN OF WOKE CAN’T SILENCE US ANYMORE!’ screamed The Sun.
‘MEGHAN LOSES WAR AGAINST PIERS – IMAGINE THE SCREAMS IN MONTECITO AS PRINCESS PINOCCHIO FINALLY HAS HER NOSE TWEAKED!’ chortled the Daily Mail.
‘TRIUMPH OF FREE SPEECH IN TV RULING ON MEGHAN,’ lauded The Times.
‘PIERS ON MEGHAN WIN: DO I GET MY JOB BACK NOW?’ ran the Daily Mirror, though given that I was once fired as the paper’s editor, I’m not sure which job they’re referring to…
The Daily Star was perhaps the most astute: ‘GOBBY PIERS IN FREEDOM OF SPEECH VICTORY OVER MRS SHY – Now he’ll be even more insufferable!’
I felt a sudden rush of exhilaration at the end of what had been a tumultuous but ultimately very satisfying day.
Then, as I reached the exit, still staring proudly at my phone, I walked straight into a large plate-glass window, banging my head so hard and loudly against it that concerned security guards rushed over to check I was OK.
I reeled back in agony, semi-concussed and with a cut opening above my right eye, only to see Harry’s massive head filling a nearby screen.
He was smirking right at me.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 After 20 years I’ve finally been nominated for Presenter of the Year at the National Television Awards. The only thing that could possibly annoy Meghan Markle more than me winning our Ofcom war is me now being crowned King of Television in front of millions of viewers.
So please vote for me here, at nationaltv awards.com.