Why does this Line of Duty actor want to kill me? cried Dame Joan
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 I didn’t bother going to tonight’s National Television Awards because despite receiving my first ever nomination for Presenter of the Year, I already knew Ant and Dec would win the category again for the 20th consecutive time.
It’s become a tediously predictable farce and there’s something particularly irritating about the smug Geordie duo’s faux-shocked ‘what, little old us again?’ routine every time they get the trophy.
So, I watched the show on TV instead, and was amused to hear an outbreak of low-level booing when my nomination was announced get swiftly drowned out by loud cheers.
Of course, given the clip shown to illustrate my work was of me grilling disgraced former Health Secretary Matt Hancock, the boos could have been for him and the cheers for me.
Or, God forbid, the other way round!
At the end of the dreary show, Dame Joan Collins glided out like a ray of glittering Hollywood sunshine shining out over a sea of dull reality TV plankton, prompting the whole crowd to give her a roaring standing ovation as Tina Turner’s Simply The Best belted out.
Well, all except one person.
Sitting firmly unimpressed in his front row seat was Line Of Duty star Martin Compston, who instead looked furious and performed a sinister throat-cutting sign with his hand.
The clip soon went viral on Twitter with people aghast at his oddly hostile behaviour towards a beloved national treasure.
I found it equally baffling; Compston was in my World XI when I was a manager at Soccer Aid several years and you won’t meet a nicer bloke.
I’m going to be having dinner with Joan tomorrow night, so will be fascinated to get her reaction.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
Mystery solved: Compston’s throatslashing manoeuvre was because he’s a diehard Celtic fan and Simply The Best is the adopted anthem for their bitter rivals Rangers.
So, this had nothing to do with Dame Joan, but that might not cut any ice with the great lady who isn’t known for suffering either fools or perceived slights.
‘Enjoy the NTAs?’ I asked her soon after we sat down at Cambio de Tercio in Chelsea with our other halves Celia and Percy.
‘Well, the standing ovation was a wonderful surprise!’ she exclaimed. ‘But then I looked down and saw this Line Of Duty actor sitting there scowling and cutting his hand across his throat and couldn’t understand why he wanted to kill me!’
I burst out laughing.
‘He doesn’t actually want to kill you…’
‘That’s a relief,’ Joan chuckled. ‘What DOES he want?’
I explained the Celtic/Rangers backdrop, sparing Compston a lifetime of Alexis Carrington-style vengeful wrath.
In the cab home, I messaged him: ‘Had dinner with Dame Joan and had to reassure her that you don’t want to cut her throat.’
‘Haha, thanks big man!’ he replied. ‘I just meant cut the music – there’s not a chance I can stand for that song. But having Joan Collins think I want to kill her was not something I thought would happen at the outset of my career. I owe you a beer…’
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
I haven’t been to an Arsenal match since the first lockdown and it was great to see a packed home crowd again – and hear sustained boo-free applause when the players took the knee.
The more a small minority try to scorn this simple gesture and deliberately misconstrue the players’ motivation for doing it, the more the vast majority of the British public shows support for what it really is: a respectful moment of silent protest against racism.
I was sitting with Sir Mo Farah, who recently revealed he’s suffered appalling racist abuse from social media trolls despite being the living embodiment of the stunningly positive impact immigration can bring to this country and making us all so proud to be British when he won four Olympic golds for Team GB at the 2012 and 2016 Olympics.
Mo was amused by the recent furore over my claim during the Tokyo Games that real champions don’t celebrate silver or bronze medals.
‘It was ridiculous!’ he laughed, ‘nobody wants to come second or third, and if they say they do, they’re either lying or don’t have it in them to be winners.’
Exactly. Tonight, I watched another brilliantly talented immigrant, Emma Raducanu, win the US Open just two months after she choked at Wimbledon.
I upset Twitter again back then by defending John McEnroe when he said she couldn’t handle the pressure and needed to toughen up, something Emma herself admitted a few days later.
And when she won tonight, I was bombarded with gleeful mockery from tennis virtue-signallers delighted that Emma had apparently proven us both so wrong.
But of course, she hadn’t – in fact, she proved us both so right by toughening up and winning.
My contribution to her triumph didn’t go unnoticed by real tennis experts.
‘See how well I motivated Ms Raducanu?’ I messaged Sir Andy Murray.
‘It’s quite incredible what you’ve done!’ he replied. ‘Seeing as you’re currently out of work, you ever thought about going into coaching?’
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Sadly for Sir Andy, who was clearly after some of the Motivator Morgan magic for himself, I do now have a new job.
Can’t say too much yet about my global TV venture with my old boss Rupert Murdoch but suffice it to say I know exactly how my mate Cristiano Ronaldo felt when he was lured back to Manchester United.
You never forget who gave you your first big break. In his case, it was Sir Alex Ferguson who bought Ronaldo when he an unproven 18-year-old kid and was instrumental in bringing him back to Old Trafford again. In mine, it was Rupert, who took a huge gamble when he made me editor of the News of the World at just 28 and personally led the negotiations for my return to his company. Our mentors are very similar characters, undeniably tough and ruthless in their pursuit of success, but both charismatic natural born winners who inspire great loyalty.
I just hope I hit the ground running as well as goal-machine Ronaldo has!