NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Sir Keir Starmer declared that it was time for James Bond to be a woman, Angela Rayner suggests there’s another oncepopular franchise that could do with a female figurehead…

Meanwhile, the plot of the next 007 film is released, in which the dashing secret agent saves the nation – by retraining as an HGV driver. James Bond will return in: Live And Let Diesel.

TUESDAY

Relief at the garage forecourts as the Royal Artillery are finally called in, with their great expertise at loading Shells.

Despite being mocked for visions of a ‘Galactic Britain’, Boris Johnson hails his UK space programme a success, with more space than ever before on our supermarket shelves.

WEDNESDAY

Astronomers who found the Earth has got considerably dimmer in the past few years admit they based their findings entirely on observing the output of ITV2.

The intricate mechanism by which users of Apple Pay can be unwittingly drained of their cash is revealed: buying iPhones.

THURSDAY

The BBC unveils the new platform that uses algorithms to determine which programme a viewer might like, then shows it to them. It’s called Netflix.

Premier League bosses admit the Covid vaccination crisis is worse than they feared – with no one on the Norwich City team having had a shot all season.

FRIDAY

The man who was reported missing then accidentally joined his own search party says he was happy to find himself… without having to go to Goa with all the hippies.

Bureaucrats have the last laugh at anti-metric campaigner Vivian Linacre, whose death was announced last week. They insist he is laid to rest 1.83 metres under.

SATURDAY

Drinkers who went to a controversial beer festival in a graveyard reveal they had enjoyed Bodyingtons, Marston’s Pedigreemains – as well as spirits and other stiff drinks.