The Scottish Mail on Sunday

NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

- Steve Bennett

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

With green issues back on the agenda, Africa’s poorest nations urge the West to stop using them as a dumping ground for all its unwanted rubbish. Like Matt Hancock.

And after revealing his car runs on wine, Prince Charles officially becomes a white vin man.

TUESDAY

The limit on contactles­s payments is lifted to £100, now almost enough for five litres of petrol.

DC Comics publishes its much heralded story in which the new incarnatio­n of Superman comes out of the closet as bisexual.

Sadly, no one recognises him as the same person who went into the closet just a few seconds earlier.

WEDNESDAY

Harry and Meghan start their new ‘jobs’ with investment bank Ethic, saying they are proud to be ‘impact partners’ – a term previously used to describe Tyson Fury and Deontay Wilder.

As viewers remain glued to the latest TV epic in which hundreds of desperate, impoverish­ed people engage in a deadly contest to secure a single prize, reviewers praise the 2021 John Lewis Christmas advert for its realism.

THURSDAY

The instructor who oversaw Sir Keir Starmer’s disastrous HGV lesson last week says it would have gone a lot better had he not spent the whole session looking in the rear-view mirror.

FRIDAY

Further burnishing their eco-credential­s, Coldplay announce that their next world tour will be powered entirely by frontman Chris Martin’s sanctimony.

After being made redundant by city burghers, the ‘official wizard’ of Christchur­ch, New Zealand, says he’ll now have to let go of his staff.

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