QUOTES of the week

‘Forgive my absence – I’m afraid the bell went off.’

Sir Geoffrey Cox apologises to a legal hearing in the British Virgin Islands after having to go and vote in the Commons.

‘Two years here is enough to know the difference between right and wrong.’

Tory MP Mark Fletcher responds to claims that he doesn’t know how the Commons works amid the latest sleaze row.

‘The term “Megxit” was or is misogynistic.’

Prince Harry sees hidden meaning where others just see a topical play on words in his latest attack on the media.

‘Zero Jags.’

John Prescott’s self-styled new nickname after he sold both of his gas-guzzling Jaguars.

‘Harrods?’

Daughter of comic Harry Hill after he pointed to a place on a map and said it was famous for cuckoo clocks and chocolate. The answer should have been Switzerland.

‘We’ve got all the men dieting and all the women going out for lovely dinners.’

Rosamund Pike jokes about her new series The Wheel Of Time, which features many more naked men than naked women.

‘It went from a bunch of hereditary thickos to a bunch of snollygosters who bought their entry.’

Broadcaster Andrew Neil urges the abolition of the Lords – snollygoster is US slang for a politician who cares more for personal gain.

‘Social media is not real. For anyone struggling, please remember that.’

Supermodel Bella Hadid’s plea to those with mental health worries – ironically, in a social-media post.

‘Didn’t know planes ran on self-righteousness.’

Labour MP Peter Kyle condemns Brighton Council’s Green Party chief Phelim Mac Cafferty, who flew to COP26 in Glasgow.

‘Cabbage is back.’

Journalist Rory Cellan-Jones welcomes the return of his collie cross after she fell victim to dognappers.