NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Despite last week’s political omnishambles over breaches of Covid rules, Government officials are pleased to find most people are complying with the new Plan B measures – and throw a huge party to celebrate.
Police finally say they might investigate last Christmas’s Downing Street gathering, and send out an appeal to any organisation that could possibly have had a member of uniformed staff on duty outside the premises at the time.
And rumours spread of another party in Westminster that has been kept secret from voters, and that no politician will admit to having had any part in: the Liberal Democrats.
TUESDAY
Shoppers make use of the loophole which means they don’t have to wear a mask if they’re singing. The most popular numbers are Smells Like Quarantine Spirit, Like A Sprayer, anything by Simply Spread and, from Mary Poppins, Super Nasty Cataclysmic Covid-19 Doses.
Following the widespread derision over Prince Harry’s suggestion that workers should quit jobs that don’t ‘bring them joy’ to boost their mental health, the Duke admits he was only passing on what everybody who used to work for Meghan was telling him…
WEDNESDAY
Dominic Raab responds to criticism that he wasted time during the Kabul crisis over the formatting of an email, hitting back furiously: ‘It just wasn’t justified.’
The Yorkshire council that decorated only the bottom half of its Christmas tree puts the staff responsible on fir-low.
THURSDAY
Prince Andrew tells friends he had no option but to excuse himself from the Royal Family’s Christmas celebrations after the Queen said jolly sweaters were mandatory – and he famously isn’t either.
After Lego is found to be a better investment than gold, celebrity chef Salt Bae starts grating the bricks over his £1,450 tomahawk steaks.
FRIDAY
Scottish officials respond to Nicola Sturgeon’s plans to ban the word ‘alcoholic’ on official documents, drawing up new approved terms that include ‘over-enthusiastic connoisseur of the grain’ and ‘the perpetually dehydrated’