NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
TODAY
Fears rise that the report into Downing Street parties might be worse than anticipated after Pen Farthing launches an audacious bid to extract Dilyn from the area ahead of the expected bloodbath.
MONDAY
Following the intervention of the Met Police, Sue Gray’s report into No10 wrongdoing is finally published – but with no mention of any wrongdoing. Names are so heavily censored that a celebratory M&S cake is referred to only as ‘[Redacted] The Caterpillar’.
And after it was revealed that interior designer Lulu Lytle was at Boris Johnson’s No10 birthday ‘party’, the Prime Minister asks wealthy donors to cover her fivefigure bill for ensuring the cake was so beautifully decorated.
TUESDAY
Researchers expand their list of old-fashioned English phrases that have now become virtually obsolete, including ‘I see your point of view and respectfully disagree’, ‘Liberal Democrat voter’, and ‘I accept I broke the rules so will do the right thing and resign’.
The scientists who found that hippos splattered out dung in all directions whenever they encounter a fellow creature they consider a threat name the phenomenon The Dominic Cummings Effect.
WEDNESDAY
After being criticised for its plans to remake Snow White, the Disney studio polls all the dwarfs it employs to ask what they think – and six out of seven aren’t Happy.
Channel 4 airs the next episode of the reality series in which Katie Price transforms her living space. Or 24 Hours In Police Custody, as it’s formally titled.
THURSDAY
After saying that bird-feeders should be cleaned out regularly, the RSPB tells householders they should also ensure there’s a clear chain of command in case they can’t do it themselves. They call it the reseeding heir line.
FRIDAY
Beijing stages the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics in the hope that the event might mend deteriorating US-Chinese relationships. But once the Games get going, things go downhill very fast.
With Barnard Castle reporting record visitor numbers after hitting the headlines during the pandemic, Dominic Cummings says: ‘I can’t see the attraction.’