QUOTES of the week

‘Nancy Nervous isn’t welcome here but Catherine Calm is welcome any time.’

Dawn French reveals director Kenneth Branagh’s soothing words to her on the set of Death On The Nile. ‘Pearls before swine and know your onions.’ Two of the traditional phrases falling out of use, with many Britons now no longer using or even understanding them, according to a survey. ‘He was ambushed with a cake.’

Northern Ireland Minister Conor Burns defends Boris Johnson’s birthday party at No10 during lockdown. ‘Ambushed by Cake: it just has to be the title of my next book!’

Nigella Lawson latches on to the idea. ‘If you want to be a movie star that’s what you have to weigh. I wasn’t up for that – I mean, I really like potatoes.’ Atonement star Romola Garai, who refused to fit the Hollywood ideal of staying under 8½st. ‘You’re more likely to see Elvis riding Shergar down Leicester High Street than you are Rishi Sunak defending the Prime Minister right now.’ Labour’s Jonathan Ashworth reacts to the Chancellor’s supposedly lukewarm defence of Boris Johnson. ‘Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines.’ Famous Barry Cryer joke – the comedian died last week aged 86. ‘I watched your very first performance. “Mummy, I’ve got a tummy ache. I can’t go to school today.” You were six.’ John Suchet sends a message to actor brother David as he receives his knighthood. ‘My advice to you is try to escape today because, if you succeed, you’ll only have me coming after you.’ Pentonville prison chaplain Jonathan Aitken, the former Cabinet Minister, jokes to inmates as Covid causes staff absences at the London jail.