NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at just some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the row over Kremlinbacked broadcaster RT, Nadine Dorries gets tough on Russian puppets on our TV screens… and expels four meerkats.

The Government hits a handful more oligarchs with international travel bans, subjecting them to the sort of draconian punishment previously reserved only for every British citizen for the past two years.

But Vladimir Putin insists his barbaric actions are all about keeping the peace. Keeping a piece of Ukraine, keeping a piece of Moldova, keeping a piece of Estonia…

TUESDAY

After it’s revealed that the Queen’s favourite show was The Kumars At No 42, Royal watchers remain puzzled about what she could possibly see in a comedy about a kindly grandmother misunderstood by an ambitious grandson trying to become a respected media figure, despite being poorly suited to the job.

Researchers say they were surprised to find Britain’s hedgehog population was in such continued decline. ‘We expected to find more spikes,’ said one.

WEDNESDAY

The Welsh government’s plans to become a space nation hits a flaw when they realise they can’t fit their slogan on the side of their rockets: ‘To boldly Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch where no man has gone before.’

THURSDAY

After John Lewis drops its ‘Never knowingly undersold’ slogan, Gwyneth Paltrow’s newage internet store Goop adopts ‘Never knowingly understood’.

FRIDAY

The model who wore a lampshade for Milan Fashion Week complains it made her feel light-headed.

After Peaky Blinders creator Steven Knight called for the people of Birmingham to proudly celebrate their city in song, Brummies oblige with Mustang Selly Oak, Three Times A Ladywood, and Goodbye Rubery Tuesday.