NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at just some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Roman Abramovich says he survived his suspected poisoning as he had built up a strong immunity to toxins thanks to years of eating meat pies at English football grounds.

But he really should have been on alert, given the choice of biscuits on offer at the peace talks: Hobnobs, Chocolate Hobnobs or Novichokolate Hobnobs.

TUESDAY

Will Smith admits slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars was the worst thing he’s ever done in front of movie professionals. Except making Bad Boys 2, obviously.

Charles and Camilla say they were delighted to visit the set of EastEnders last week. Stars of the long-running soap opera that has gripped the nation with its dramatic storylines of intense family tension, the couple said they enjoyed meeting the cast of the BBC1 show.

WEDNESDAY

Energy suppliers tell homeowners they can still register their meter readings despite their websites going down. Customers just need to find the seven-digit number on their last bill… and pay that.

Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi announces his latest idea to combat the rising number of ‘ghost pupils’: exorcise books.

THURSDAY

Holby City continues to depict the realities of life in the NHS… by being shut down to save money.

After discovering that fish can count, scientists find that plankton can solve equations – or as they call it, algaebra.

FRIDAY

The man who walked out of a Shakespeare play in protest at the Yorkshire accents refuses to be enticed back by any of the forthcoming productions: A Ryt Mitherin’ About Nowt, The Chuffed Lasses Of Windsor and T’Taming Of T’Ferret.