NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming week…

MONDAY

‘The thought of a senior Tory MP watching porn in the Commons chamber is inappropriate, offensive, demeaning and brings great shame to all of us trying to achieve good work here,’ says adult film star Randy Bedwarmer in response to the latest Westminster scandal.

Meanwhile, the scandal widens as it’s revealed that hundreds of MPs have been spending their work time watching a whole country being screwed…

TUESDAY

Police conclude that Sir Keir Starmer drinking a beer with colleagues during Covid restrictions was no breach of the law – as spending any time with the Labour leader is definitely classed as hard work.

After Angela Rayner was accused of distracting Boris Johnson with a strategy straight out of Basic Instinct, Labour say the Prime Minister is also taking his cue from Sharon Stone movies, namely Above The Law, Fading Gigolo and The Disaster Artist.

WEDNESDAY

Prison guards start to implement the new tougher policy that requires them to refer to anyone behind bars as a ‘prisoner’, ‘inmate’, or ‘three-times Wimbledon champion’.

The Channel is again full of desperate people seeking UK passports. Not refugees, but wouldbe British holidaymakers trying to get to the French firm holding up all the paperwork.

THURSDAY

As James Corden announces plans to return to the UK, the Home Office insist he’ll first have to go to Rwanda while his claim to be a comedian is processed. However, the move angers human rights campaigners, who say the African nation has already suffered enough.

FRIDAY

After buying Twitter, Elon Musk changes its name to T&/y-67@r.