QUOTES of the week

‘Papa didn’t listen to the law and now he’s on the naughty step.’

Lilly Becker, the estranged wife of Boris Becker, tells their 12-year-old son Amadeus about the former tennis star’s jail plight.

‘I don’t have the words. Or if I did

I’d probably be advised not to say them.’

Cinderella star Carrie Hope Fletcher after the West End show was pulled by impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber.

‘I come from a long line of alcoholic Irish bandits, so to suggest

I go PAYE is a bit like asking Philip Green or Richard Branson to join the company payroll.’ Anne Robinson claims she quit Countdown after producers urged her to become a member of staff for tax purposes.

‘Who’s Lorraine? Lorraine is a legend.’ Susanna Reid to Boris Johnson on GMB after the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know who ITV star Lorraine Kelly was.

‘Luckily for us we had Hitler.’

Monty Python’s Eric Idle puts into perspective US comedian Laraine Newman’s lament that things have never been so dire in her lifetime.

‘Did Neil Parish watch the full tractor porn film or just the trailer?’

Joke after the Tory MP admitted watching an X-rated movie in the Commons after searching for a tractor on the internet.

‘I’m going to have to teach my girls to be rude first and worry about that later.’

TV star Rachel Riley on how she will get her daughters to react to being ‘upskirted’.

‘Being lectured by the Guardian about popularity is like being called talentless by Kim Kardashian. Worry about your own crumbling sales, dwindling finances & increasing irrelevance, you ludicrous kalemunching, sandal-clad, woke whiny wastrels.’

Piers Morgan tries to show he’s not rattled by falling viewing

figures for his new show.