NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Our irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the long-awaited Sue Gray report, Boris Johnson insists he hasn’t broken any of the rules he’s just rewritten – and says he swept nothing under the carpet (as that’s the No10 cleaners’ job).

Meanwhile, opponents accuse him of complacency over the findings, with one Labour MP raging: ‘Humility? He doesn’t know the meaning of the word.’ But the PM hits back: ‘Poppycock! It’s the amount of water vapour in the air…’

TUESDAY

Rishi Sunak denies claims that his energy windfall tax will harm efforts to reduce carbon emissions, pointing out that his plan requires millions of trees – magic money trees.

After deliberately avoiding the term ‘windfall tax’ in favour of ‘temporary targeted energy profits levy’, the Chancellor insists his change of mind on the issue is not a U-turn but a ‘vital 180-degree tactical policy repositioning’. Oh, and VAT will now be known as ‘the shoppers’ premium’.

WEDNESDAY

As Abba go back on tour – albeit in virtual form – the band reflect on their 1970s heyday. ‘Back then there were dizzying inflation rates, energy shortages and militant unions threatening hugely disruptive strikes – but at least we had a Royal Jubilee to distract us,’ says Bjorn. ‘How times have changed.’

Nadine Dorries – aka the Notorious N.A.D. – falls foul of her own internet legislation after her TikTok rap is declared an ‘online harm’.

THURSDAY

Police admit they were slow to nab the fraudster behind a £1million VAT scam to fund his love of Lego, because although they collected all the evidence they didn’t know quite how to piece it all together.

FRIDAY

The Welsh councillor who had to give up his seat after feeling undermined by constant rumours he was Banksy said: ‘I could see the writing on the wall.’

SATURDAY

Last week’s mass gathering of people dressed as vampires in Whitby quickly loses its place in the record books, as the annual confederation of hedge fund managers claims the title for ‘world’s biggest gathering of bloodsuckers’.