QUOTES of the week

‘My mum’s got Lurpak in the fridge. There goes my inheritance.’ Twitter user as the price for a 1kg tub of the spreadable butter reached almost £10.

‘Off to walk the dogs. I’ll be about three or four resignations.’

Sky News anchor Mark Austin finds a novel way to time his evening stroll as a succession of Ministers quit the Government.

‘My bro’s just fired your ex.’

Rachel Johnson, sister of the PM, sends a text to Sarah Vine, the former wife of Michael Gove. ‘Let’s plough on before I take out my onion.’

The Prime Minister as the first Cabinet meeting after his resignation threatened to become tearful. ‘If you want to go to the lavatory you can go by tractor, or if you need to move quickly we have quad bikes.’

Jeremy Clarkson, whose new farm restaurant is in a separate barn from the other facilities.

‘Mummy, I’ve seen some pictures of you when you were in the Spice Girls and your skirts were unacceptable.’ Harper Beckham, ten, admonishes her mother Victoria about her fashion choices as a pop star.

‘Every woman who’s been harassed, silenced, bullied or lost employment because of her gender-critical beliefs is freer and safer today.’

J. K. Rowling tweets after researcher Maya Forstater – who lost out on a job after saying that people cannot change their biological sex – won her employment tribunal case.

‘Doing my bit to help the underpopulation crisis.’

Tycoon Elon Musk, who has fathered twins with one of his executives. He now has nine children. ‘Eddie Redmayne sounds like the sort of pony that a middleclass girl would own in Surrey… Come along Eddie Red Mane.’

TV presenter Rob Brydon

pokes fun at the Oscar-winning actor.