NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Good news for the labour market as job vacancies hit a new high – although 80 per cent of them are in junior ministerial posts.

There’s anger at the hardcore zealots supergluing themselves to historic fixtures inside some of London’s most famous buildings… as Boris Johnson sticks himself to the Cabinet table and refuses to budge.

TUESDAY

Excitement at the Large Hadron Collider as scientists witness previously unknown entities that exist for a billiontrillionth of a second before vanishing back into oblivion. Not during their experiment, but watching the turnover of Education Secretaries.

After being banned from screenings of Minions: The Rise Of Gru, the young men obsessed with the comically incompetent but slavishly devoted sidekicks of a cartoon caricature fixated on world domination suddenly become fans of Nadine Dorries.

WEDNESDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg takes action to address shoppers’ shock at finding that butter costs £9 a kilo. Now, thanks to his intervention, it’s four groats per avoirdupois ounce. Meanwhile, City traders gamble on the price rising even higher, in a frenzied burst of spread betting.

Elon Musk explains he pulled out of buying Twitter because you just can’t believe anything you read on the site… including his announcement that he was going to buy Twitter.

THURSDAY

EasyJet’s chief operating officer leaves the company amid more airport chaos. He should have gone weeks ago but his departure was delayed.

Scientists who concluded T-rex’s tiny arms helped it to stand up after a fall reveal another thing they made it good at: shorthand.

FRIDAY

Chickpea crops are under threat, say experts with their finger on the pulse. And if their report, to be published post-houmously, makes you feel only a tahini bit worried, it also warns that tzatziki stocks are under threat, risking a double-dip recession.

Manufacturers of the new robotic cocktail-maker designed to ease bar queues reveal their first drinks list, including the smartini, the Bionic Man-hattan, the C3Pisco, the Harvey WALL-Ebanger, and, of course, the screwdriver.