NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Internal rancour within the Conservative Party reaches such a low that most commentators now believe Boris Johnson will make good on his pledge to leave Downing Street ‘with his head held high’ – but it may be on a spike carried by Rishi Sunak.

Meanwhile, as candidates and their lieutenants line up to declare traditional positions on trans issues, Grant Shapps says no one should be able to define their own gender – and his alter-ego Corinne Stockheath agrees.

TUESDAY

Publishers bid up to £1million for Boris Johnson’s Downing Street memoirs, saying it’s a price worth paying for a title sure to win the Booker Prize for fiction.

WEDNESDAY

Astonishing new pictures from the James Webb telescope mean it’s now easier to see a star in the Carina Nebula 8,500 light years away than it is a GP.

Experts making grey squirrels infertile to reduce their numbers are thwarted when the creatures start hiding their nuts.

THURSDAY

BMW faces a continuing backlash for charging monthly subscriptions for features their drivers rarely use, such as indicators.

The Essex council facing ninefigure losses after gambling on a dubious solar-energy scheme tells taxpayers they’ll find their money where the sun don’t shine.

FRIDAY

As a new centre opens to treat Xbox and PlayStation addicts by withdrawing their games, the first patients are described as ‘in-consolable’.

A few dozen mourners gather to pay their last respects to Ivana Trump, at what her ex-husband calls ‘the most bigliest funeral in all of history, crowds that nobody ever thought possible. True fact’.

SATURDAY

Amazon starts recruiting the 4,000 extra staff it needs in the UK by offering generous packages – packages that are much, much bigger than actually required.