NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Tory Party members preparing to choose their next leader are urged to back the one person who will do most to drive voters to the Conservative Party – but can’t find Keir Starmer’s name on the ballot form.

Liz Truss says she loves her ‘human hand grenade’ nickname – because it’s not often she’s called ‘human’. But critics brand her a hypocrite after she spoke of her love of performing karaoke to the hits of American singer Whitney Houston – having previously been so outspoken against imported cheese.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson’s use of ‘hasta la vista, baby’ in his farewell Commons appearance inspires Arnold Schwarzenegger to start a new movie franchise. The first Terminatory story will feature a destructive anti-hero causing chaos wherever he goes.

WEDNESDAY

In this summer of extremes, conditions are again perfect to fry an egg on the motorway. Not because of the heat but because there’s plenty of time with all the traffic at a standstill.

Joe Biden shrugs off his Covid infection, saying its nothing compared to the scurvy he contracted on The Mayflower crossing.

THURSDAY

Members of the older Baby Boomer generation deny they are baffled by emojis and that such claims make them feel raspberry, train, cowboy hat, recycling sign.

The dance school that dropped its ‘elitist’ ballet audition faces calls to reinstate it from its students. ‘It kept us on our toes,’ one said.

FRIDAY

Nasa’s neutron star telescope offers new observations about the densest matter in the universe. British scientists achieve the same by watching Tipping Point.