NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the controversy over the Finnish prime minister’s partying video, British voters are told to expect that their next leader may well be raving, too.

Boris Johnson responds to Liz Truss’s calls for British workers to apply ‘more graft’ by saying: ‘I’m sorry I’m out of the office at the moment so am unable to reply to your email.’

TUESDAY

Ordinary man of the people

Rishi Sunak said it was a perfectly reasonable mistake to say his favourite McDonald’s item was something they don’t serve any more because ‘my waiter never told me it was off the menu’.

Grant Shapps says his latest policy ideas are not the first time he’s tried to clamp down on cyclists who think the rules don’t apply to them – but he could never understand why Boris wasn’t so keen on adopting them.

WEDNESDAY

Water chiefs try to salvage their reputation by rebranding ‘pumping effluent on to British beaches’ as ‘moving it nearer to France’.

The BBC apologises after accidentally airing a programme that did not feature Amol Rajan, and assures viewers it will not happen again.

THURSDAY

There’s fresh hope that the troubled Cineworld chain might be able to stave off bankruptcy as its £4 billion debt is halved when a customer in Didcot buys a large bag of pick ’n’ mix.

FRIDAY

The researchers who found evidence that powdered owl was used as a medieval remedy now discover the store you could buy if from: Hoots The Chemist.