QUOTES of the week

‘I think it was me who sold Charles that crap pen.’

Tycoon Gerald Ratner, who famously described his eponymous firm’s products as crap. The King had earlier lost his temper over a leaky pen.

‘It’s a big week for successions – new King in the UK, this for us. Evidently a bit more voting involved in our winning than Charles.’ Jesse Armstrong, creator of TV drama Succession, makes a jibe against the Monarchy after winning an Emmy.

‘I thought by coming at 2am it was going to be a little bit quieter. I was wrong.’

David Beckham, who spent 13 hours in the queue to pay his respects to the Queen.

‘She described her profession as aristocrat. Enough to make one a Communist.’ Journalist Petronella Wyatt, who appeared alongside Lady Victoria Hervey, left, on Piers Morgan’s TV show.

‘I asked her who she thought had played best and she said, “The band of the Scots Guards.”’

Former FA chairman David Triesman admits his efforts to get the Queen interested in a match at Wembley were doomed.

‘I just wish I’d taken the price tag off. They cost £6 from Tesco.’

Karen Rose, who handed Prince William a bunch of flowers at Sandringham.

‘I am a Norwich City supporter and I only drink alcohol when they win.’

Former Bishop of London Richard Chartres recalls the reply of a centenarian at a Maundy service when the Queen asked to what he attributed his great age.

‘I’m sorry I never told you how much I admired you. Well, it wasn’t like that between us, was it?’ Rugby pundit Brian Moore tweets after the death last week of his Six Nations commentary sparring partner Eddie Butler, aged 65.